This past week was so tiring. I just felt so exhausted everyday. Exams, papers, reading responses, and more papers. It felt like school was just dropping a ton of work on me. Not to mention being too mentally tired to get the energy to go to crossfit. I only got to go once last week and this week isn't looking so great either. I just had another exam, which I just want to forget about now, and now I have a paper to write and another exam to study for. (*sighs*)
Even though the past week was rough the weekend was a nice break from it all and getting to spend time with my friends from Bryn Mawr was so great. It was my best friend's birthday on Saturday, so a couple of our friends went over to her place Saturday afternoon to go apple picking and then to bake with the apples we picked. It was so great to get time to see my best friends and just enjoy each other's company. We went to Delaware to go apple picking, and the weather was pretty nice, nice and crisp: perfect fall weather. The orchard was packed with people, but we still got some good apples, and we got some cider donuts too (they were so great, yummmm). We got back to her place and spent the next couple hours just talking and baking and having fun. It was such a good day amidst the weeks of exhaustion and constant work.
Sunday was pretty good too. I play flag football in our church league and it was the playoffs and our team won in overtime! I was so happy!!! It was such a close game and it was stressful to be that close, but we won and it's so exciting to be going to the championship round for the 5th year!!!! If we win again this year it'll be our third year in a row winning the title!!! I love playing flag football, it fills that void of sports in my life. I miss playing a sport so much and flag football is such a great way to fill that void and since it is a church league it's so great to make new relationships with people who love God so much and can display that love to others. One of the women, in the city parishes, is such a great example of someone who loves God and is always displaying that love. She is so encouraging and she really cares so much and I love getting to see her every Sunday during the flag football season.
Even with the great weekend, today was a rough start to the week. I had one of the toughest exams of the semester, I got little sleep, I got a bought of GI problems during the weekend (that I'm still reeling from), and I missed crossfit yet again. It seems like life just keeps knocking me down every time I pick myself up a little. When I start to feel a little bit better, a little more comfortable, I start falling back, losing sleep, getting anxious, feeling sad, hopeless, and just kicking myself for believing that my life was taking a turn for the better. I don't know. I guess one thing that'll keep me going this week is the prospect of moving off campus to my own studio apartment. I am literally so excited and CANNOT even!!! I cannot wait to get off campus and have my own place. I can cook, have my own bathroom, my own SPACE, a fish tank! I am so excited to get to have somewhere I can go and feel at peace and feel safe. Somewhere I can be free from anxieties and just unwind.
The last thing I'll say today is my friend's favorite bible verse:
2 Corinthians 9-10
9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
I am so glad that I have friends who can encourage me and meet me where I am, and empathize with me. My closest friends all have suffered from depression and they're seeing a counselor too and I am so fortunate to have a group of friends who can understand what it is like to struggle, not just with faith but with life. Feeling the crushing pressure of wanting to be perfect, being crippled by anxieties, and feeling alone and hopeless. This verse is something that has helped me get through the tough times before and I'm hoping that it can help me again during this season of learning to be a student again and trying to find my faith and manage my mental and physical health.
Showing posts with label encouragement. Show all posts
Showing posts with label encouragement. Show all posts
Monday, October 26, 2015
Monday, October 19, 2015
Fall Break Marks the Second Half of the Semester
Fall break was this past week. Though I'm more used to having a full week of break like I had at Bryn Mawr, I'll take the four day weekend I got here. It was a much needed break from school life: not thinking about writing papers, reading books, or studying anatomy.
I feel kind of sad about the break because I didn't get to see my mom since she was on vacation in Croatia. I wish I got to see all my family members before having to come back to school. But I am glad that the semester is almost coming to an end! I'm one semester closer to graduating and feeling like I've accomplished something. Being closer to graduating is such a big deal for me because of the feelings of failure I had at Bryn Mawr, and now feeling like I'm one step closer to achieving what I couldn't when I was at Bryn Mawr. Don't get me wrong, Bryn Mawr taught me so much and I am indebted to the them for how much they've shaped me as a woman and as a person in general, and I am kind of thankful for the suffering I endured because then I would never have grown as a person. (Even though it sucked to get super depressed and still be reeling from the aftermath of the academic pressure).
I am glad that my first semester here at Eastern is going pretty well and that it is almost over. I know that this will be such a huge deal for me because of my past with school and my expectations for myself. One of the things my counselor is trying to teach me is to change the way I think about school and grades. They told me to just enjoy learning, which I need to learn to enjoy again, and to think of my classes as a privilege instead of an obligation.
I am really glad that I've been going to see a counselor and learning how to change the way I think and act in order to change the way I feel. I always forget that the steps that I'm taking to be proactive are a big deal and I forget to tell myself that it is important to tell myself that taking these steps are a big deal, and that it's not easy to take those steps in the first place.
One of the things I am upset with myself is the fact that I've neglected going to Cross fit for 2 weeks. Even though one of those weeks was fall break, but still fall break wasn't a full week, and the week before I could have made the time to go, instead of telling myself that I would use that time to "study". I really do love going to cross fit and and I really do think going has given me more confidence and happiness. The coaches and other athletes are always encouraging and whenever I complete a workout I feel so good about myself! I really do need to go back and be more consistent with it, so I can reap the full benefits of exercise not only for my body but also for my mind.
This week I really want to challenge myself so that I don't get off track even further. I want to go to Cross fit more often, like I did in the beginning, I want to put into practice more what I learn with my counselor, and I want to be more on top of my school work. I know that these are all things I've struggled with before and continue to struggle with, but I have seen a slow change and I can only hope to make those changes stick and hopefully one day I'll realize that I am healed mentally, physically, and spiritually. (The spiritual aspect needs the most work, I think, at least in my life).
I feel kind of sad about the break because I didn't get to see my mom since she was on vacation in Croatia. I wish I got to see all my family members before having to come back to school. But I am glad that the semester is almost coming to an end! I'm one semester closer to graduating and feeling like I've accomplished something. Being closer to graduating is such a big deal for me because of the feelings of failure I had at Bryn Mawr, and now feeling like I'm one step closer to achieving what I couldn't when I was at Bryn Mawr. Don't get me wrong, Bryn Mawr taught me so much and I am indebted to the them for how much they've shaped me as a woman and as a person in general, and I am kind of thankful for the suffering I endured because then I would never have grown as a person. (Even though it sucked to get super depressed and still be reeling from the aftermath of the academic pressure).
I am glad that my first semester here at Eastern is going pretty well and that it is almost over. I know that this will be such a huge deal for me because of my past with school and my expectations for myself. One of the things my counselor is trying to teach me is to change the way I think about school and grades. They told me to just enjoy learning, which I need to learn to enjoy again, and to think of my classes as a privilege instead of an obligation.
I am really glad that I've been going to see a counselor and learning how to change the way I think and act in order to change the way I feel. I always forget that the steps that I'm taking to be proactive are a big deal and I forget to tell myself that it is important to tell myself that taking these steps are a big deal, and that it's not easy to take those steps in the first place.
One of the things I am upset with myself is the fact that I've neglected going to Cross fit for 2 weeks. Even though one of those weeks was fall break, but still fall break wasn't a full week, and the week before I could have made the time to go, instead of telling myself that I would use that time to "study". I really do love going to cross fit and and I really do think going has given me more confidence and happiness. The coaches and other athletes are always encouraging and whenever I complete a workout I feel so good about myself! I really do need to go back and be more consistent with it, so I can reap the full benefits of exercise not only for my body but also for my mind.
This week I really want to challenge myself so that I don't get off track even further. I want to go to Cross fit more often, like I did in the beginning, I want to put into practice more what I learn with my counselor, and I want to be more on top of my school work. I know that these are all things I've struggled with before and continue to struggle with, but I have seen a slow change and I can only hope to make those changes stick and hopefully one day I'll realize that I am healed mentally, physically, and spiritually. (The spiritual aspect needs the most work, I think, at least in my life).
Wednesday, October 7, 2015
There Will Always Be Bad Days or Weeks or Months
The past week I missed a couple classes. I know its not something super serious, but missing classes was one of the biggest problems I had at Bryn Mawr. Missing those classes made me feel like I was slowly slipping back to the mistakes I made in the past and it got me feeling like I was going to fail again. Those negative memories I had were triggered by my missing those classes and I felt myself having negative thoughts again: telling myself I'm going to fail, that I'm a terrible student, that the same thing was going to happen again. And to add insult to injury I completely bombed a quiz I had in the same class I missed those lectures for.
But not only did I miss classes, which triggered those negative feelings and memories from my previous school, I also got into two arguments with my sister. I feel like I always have the same arguments with her. Me expressing my anger and bitterness at the church and Christianity, and her telling me that I have a hard heart and shouldn't feel this way, and her preaching at me, which is totally not helpful and actually doing a lot more harm than good. I constantly feel invalidated by her words and the things she expresses and it makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong and that I'm being a bad "Christian", even though I tell her I don't even feel or consider myself one at the moment. All these things combined with the stresses at school really affected me negatively this week and I don't even want to get started on the other argument I had with her.
This week has just been such a series of bad days. I missed crossfit this entire week, I spent an exorbitant amount of money on random stuff, and I missed many classes. These things happening one after the other has really been beating me up emotionally and mentally and I felt like giving up. But the things that helped me most have been my friends.
I am so thankful that I have friends who can love me unconditionally and who are also going through similar things right now, who I can talk to about these things. I value their support and encouragement so much and how they tell me it's okay to be angry and that it's okay to feel these things. Talking to them makes my feelings validated and helps me to realize that, yes, it is okay to feel anger and bitterness and sadness, that these aren't bad things or that they're wrong to feel. I am so thankful that I have my friends who will encourage me and empathize with the situations I'm going through and encourage me without sounding preachy. And who meet me where I am.
Something that one of my friends sent me, a while back, has really got me to think about my faith and to try to understand my suffering better. Even though I feel anger and bitterness towards God, for the things that I've been going through in the past and currently, this video has really helped me to keep that desire to find my faith and desire to believe. I know that it's not going to happen overnight; it's going to be a long process and I think I'm slowly starting to grow and understand (with the help of my friends and counselor of course).
But not only did I miss classes, which triggered those negative feelings and memories from my previous school, I also got into two arguments with my sister. I feel like I always have the same arguments with her. Me expressing my anger and bitterness at the church and Christianity, and her telling me that I have a hard heart and shouldn't feel this way, and her preaching at me, which is totally not helpful and actually doing a lot more harm than good. I constantly feel invalidated by her words and the things she expresses and it makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong and that I'm being a bad "Christian", even though I tell her I don't even feel or consider myself one at the moment. All these things combined with the stresses at school really affected me negatively this week and I don't even want to get started on the other argument I had with her.
This week has just been such a series of bad days. I missed crossfit this entire week, I spent an exorbitant amount of money on random stuff, and I missed many classes. These things happening one after the other has really been beating me up emotionally and mentally and I felt like giving up. But the things that helped me most have been my friends.
I am so thankful that I have friends who can love me unconditionally and who are also going through similar things right now, who I can talk to about these things. I value their support and encouragement so much and how they tell me it's okay to be angry and that it's okay to feel these things. Talking to them makes my feelings validated and helps me to realize that, yes, it is okay to feel anger and bitterness and sadness, that these aren't bad things or that they're wrong to feel. I am so thankful that I have my friends who will encourage me and empathize with the situations I'm going through and encourage me without sounding preachy. And who meet me where I am.
Something that one of my friends sent me, a while back, has really got me to think about my faith and to try to understand my suffering better. Even though I feel anger and bitterness towards God, for the things that I've been going through in the past and currently, this video has really helped me to keep that desire to find my faith and desire to believe. I know that it's not going to happen overnight; it's going to be a long process and I think I'm slowly starting to grow and understand (with the help of my friends and counselor of course).
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